1. If you ever plan to have a fellow mingler over, be sure to remove all evidence of scarfing pop tarts in your bed with your tot the night before.
2.Stepping on a pre-chewed fruit snack tends to ruin the moment, so be sure to check for those embedded in the carpet while you are at it.
3. If so said suiter, brings adult beverages in attempts to enhance the mingling, do NOT...i repeat do NOT offer apple juice, capri sun or Pedialyte as a mixer.
4. If they offer to take you to Kroger to purchase food to cook your romantic, candlelit dinner together, probably not the best idea to whip out that EBT card.
5. While you are prepping for this mingle sesh, go ahead and pamper yourself to buy some sexy, new 6 for $26 panties from Victoria's Secret. Because those granny panties you wear on the reg are what needs to be the secret.
6. When setting the mood for that candlelit dinner, be sure to swicth your Pandora off of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse station. No man has ever been turned on by "Hot dog, hot dog hot diggity dog."
7. Prior to him making his way over to your said home, make sure it is understood that he must exit the premises by midnight, and no...not because your car will turn back into a pumpkin, but because Section 8 rules do not permit overnight guests.
8. Even though a man is coming into your apartment for the first time since your child's conception, do not con him into fixing every plumbing, electrical and decorative problem you may have endured at this point. And do not even think about asking him to take out your trash. (That is to wait until the 2nd date).
9. Refer back to number 7 and please realize that you could only be so lucky as to have that hoopty turn into a pumpkin (or cleaned itself) by midnight. As far as that man is concerned, your new vehicle is being transported via ship and may happen to fall in the ocean on the way. (a girl can dream right?!)
10. Please do not hesitate to shower, shave and wash that grease out of your hair before trying to impress. You get your money on the 1st, so go ahead and invest in some makeup while your out shopping at VS.
11. For such occasions as this, do not forget to wipe off those lipstick kisses and dry erase messages to yourself all over your house that are reminding you to get over your ex and how beautiful you are. He may get the impression of vanity...which is not sexy to anyone.
12. Also...dirty diapers are grounds for early termination of this mingle sesh.
13. If by chance this mingling moves it's way into a bar or club, keep in mind the last time alcohol hit your intestines has been years (plus 9 months). So after the consumption of 1-2 drinks you may begin to get a bit sloppy. Keep it classy mommas
14. If at the bar, there is a DJ, you should probably not request "I Like to Move it" or else you will make it way too obvious the last time you have been outside of your home. Leave those decisions to the professionals.
15. REMEMBER:: You are up all night to get some, up all night to get lucky. But not past 9pm because you WILL turn into a pumpkin from not sleeping and crash studying the past 6 nights! Because you will end up passing out on him, then nobody gets lucky. And then you have to start back at #1 for a different suitor.
16. Because we do what we want and you need to remember to enjoy the company of another human being, over the age of 6. So have fun and enjoy a night away because you know tomorrow is back to reality and another chance like this is unlikely to come for another few months.
2.Stepping on a pre-chewed fruit snack tends to ruin the moment, so be sure to check for those embedded in the carpet while you are at it.
3. If so said suiter, brings adult beverages in attempts to enhance the mingling, do NOT...i repeat do NOT offer apple juice, capri sun or Pedialyte as a mixer.
4. If they offer to take you to Kroger to purchase food to cook your romantic, candlelit dinner together, probably not the best idea to whip out that EBT card.
5. While you are prepping for this mingle sesh, go ahead and pamper yourself to buy some sexy, new 6 for $26 panties from Victoria's Secret. Because those granny panties you wear on the reg are what needs to be the secret.
6. When setting the mood for that candlelit dinner, be sure to swicth your Pandora off of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse station. No man has ever been turned on by "Hot dog, hot dog hot diggity dog."
7. Prior to him making his way over to your said home, make sure it is understood that he must exit the premises by midnight, and no...not because your car will turn back into a pumpkin, but because Section 8 rules do not permit overnight guests.
8. Even though a man is coming into your apartment for the first time since your child's conception, do not con him into fixing every plumbing, electrical and decorative problem you may have endured at this point. And do not even think about asking him to take out your trash. (That is to wait until the 2nd date).
9. Refer back to number 7 and please realize that you could only be so lucky as to have that hoopty turn into a pumpkin (or cleaned itself) by midnight. As far as that man is concerned, your new vehicle is being transported via ship and may happen to fall in the ocean on the way. (a girl can dream right?!)
10. Please do not hesitate to shower, shave and wash that grease out of your hair before trying to impress. You get your money on the 1st, so go ahead and invest in some makeup while your out shopping at VS.
11. For such occasions as this, do not forget to wipe off those lipstick kisses and dry erase messages to yourself all over your house that are reminding you to get over your ex and how beautiful you are. He may get the impression of vanity...which is not sexy to anyone.
12. Also...dirty diapers are grounds for early termination of this mingle sesh.
13. If by chance this mingling moves it's way into a bar or club, keep in mind the last time alcohol hit your intestines has been years (plus 9 months). So after the consumption of 1-2 drinks you may begin to get a bit sloppy. Keep it classy mommas
14. If at the bar, there is a DJ, you should probably not request "I Like to Move it" or else you will make it way too obvious the last time you have been outside of your home. Leave those decisions to the professionals.
15. REMEMBER:: You are up all night to get some, up all night to get lucky. But not past 9pm because you WILL turn into a pumpkin from not sleeping and crash studying the past 6 nights! Because you will end up passing out on him, then nobody gets lucky. And then you have to start back at #1 for a different suitor.
16. Because we do what we want and you need to remember to enjoy the company of another human being, over the age of 6. So have fun and enjoy a night away because you know tomorrow is back to reality and another chance like this is unlikely to come for another few months.